Waiting for Sunrise
by andshesaidyo
Summary: Miroku ponders his own existence, his feelings for Sango, and has a moment of perversity.


I don't own it; don't really want to. I'm a bored librarian. Books are like television. Hundreds of books, but **nothing **to read!!! Egh. Feedback would be uber nifty. It would bring a smile to my little face. (Or tears if it says something mean, I'll deal.) So, like, tell me what you think, mmmkay?

--M.

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It's my paranoia. A constant worry in the back of my mind; when will it happen? Where will it happen? Can I stop it? _Do I want to? _I scare myself sometimes when I think like that. Some days, I have every hope that we will manage to defeat Naraku and my curse will be broken. Other days, I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just let my kazaana have me.

My friends keep me from it. Kagome, Sango, Inuyasha, Shippoh. They all need me, in their own ways. And I know they would miss me. I hope they would. I'm not so sure sometimes. I act the part of the pervert monk; a joker at times, a brain at times. It's all part of the performance. Although, it does make the role easier to play when one has two _very _attractive female companions traveling with them. I play the part a bit too well sometimes.

During the day, when the sun shines and everything is light, I can keep myself from worrying. Everything seems better in the light. The nights are the hardest. The slightest noise frightens me; I can't help wondering if it's my kazaana. I worry that if I fall asleep my kazaana will kill me, and in doing so, kill my companions. My demise by the kazaana has always been a fear and a possibility for my future, even so, I would rather die a thousand times than have my friends destroyed by something meant for me. I rarely sleep at night. If the worry for my friends and myself doesn't keep me awake, the nightmares do. I dream that my kazaana is sucking me in. I dream it's sucking my friends in, and I'm left behind. I've often dreamt that it claimed their lives in exchange for mine; that nightmare is the worst. I don't know what I would do without them, especially if _I_was the reason they died.

The nights seem to go on forever when you don't sleep. It's like time slows down, turns against you, and taunts you with every infinite second that passes. I watch them sleep, most nights. It's amazing how much a difference being awake or being asleep makes in the way someone looks. Severity becomes a calm, relaxed, innocence that one would never see in his face during waking hours. Inuyasha's intensity melts away, turning him into a being that seems so much smaller than he is. Kagome twitches and murmurs unintelligible things. Tossing and turning and sighing; insulting Inuyasha in her sleep. Shippou always curled near Kagome, I sometimes wonder if he would be able to sleep without her presence.

Sango, takes my breath away. She's beautiful in every sense. When she sleeps, she still has such grace and power; I don't know how she stays so intimidating while she sleeps. She stays very still, occasionally sighing, her hair spilling over her pillow or back. Sometimes she fidgets and whimpers her brother's name. She's so strong even in sleep. Her nightmares have never torn her from her dreams. They merely disturb her for a few moments before peace falls over her again.

Sunrise. One of the other nice things about not sleeping, you never miss the sunsets or sunrises. I have seen more sunsets and sunrises in my short life than many people see in a hundred years. There is something utterly pure about a sunrise. They make me feel like I've got a clean slate to start with. Everyday when the sun goes down, it's washing away everything I did and didn't do and should have done. All my regrets and fears from the day before just vanish. And when the sunrises the next day, I can start over from scratch. Try to do and say what I should and what I was too scared or shy to do or say before. I still have to play the part; several well placed highly enjoyable gropes from the perverted monk. My day certainly wouldn't be complete without them. Sometimes, I long to show them who I really am, the person I have to hide. I'd like them se see me as Miroku, the frightened, sad, worried, lonely, monk who isn't always a pervert. Who only has eyes for one woman. I want Sango to look at me and not wonder whether I'm making a ploy to cop a feel, I want her to look at me and just see _me, _and actually want to be around me.

It doesn't take long for them to wake up once the light fills the sky. And as the last shadows are chased into their hiding places, my worry demons run away for a little while.

"Good morning." I say with a chipper smile to a bleary eyed Kagome and an irritated looking Inuyasha. Sango hasn't woken up yet; A wicked idea fills my head. "Ahhh, perhaps Sango needs to assistance waking up this morning.


End file.
